Honored trustees, respected colleagues, distinguished members of the academy. We have been circling the Blue Planet for 365 of what I shall now call “days.” Ours has been a difficult mission in a hostile environment; nonetheless, we have persevered, and our task is now almost complete.
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These signals apparently were intended for a group of citizens called “the audience,” who communicate by means of an instrument called “the telephone” with a broadcaster, called “the talk show host.” The hosts–who answer to such names as “Don” and “Rush”–undoubtedly represent the finest intellects of their race–else why, as Professor Xerat succinctly puts it, would they be entrusted with such awesome powers of communication? With the assistance of their callers–“Southwest Side,” “Schaumburg,” and “Car Phone”–these leaders have isolated the problem besetting their civilization, taxes, the source of the problem, congress, and the solution, go to war.
Taxes, we believe, are the lifeblood that is squeezed from those who need it most–Southwest Side, Schaumburg, and Car Phone. Congress, a concept somewhat more abstract, seems to be an assembly of wrongly chosen representatives influenced by the most evil breed of all–“Tax and Spend Democrats.” War, our signals make clear, is the process whereby a people bands together and destroys its enemies. This is done easily by applying technology.
The present and most immediate enemy, we have deduced, is a race so low we suspect it may represent an entirely different species. These creatures, called “Arabs” or “Towelheads,” have, by some form of treachery we as yet cannot specify, seized control of the Blue Planet’s supply of “Oil,” a substance only slightly less precious than “Taxes.” Led by a madman so ruthless he would boil babies for breakfast, so daring he thumbs his nose even at the illustrious Rush, his tiny nation stands ready to topple the entire world.
