People are always moving from Chicago to New York. This is not news. But in 1991 a lot of people left New York to move here. For most of the eight years I’ve lived in Chicago, that’s been about as rare as a decent thin-crust pizza. I can’t say that it’s happening south of the Loop (since becoming a Chicagoan I haven’t left the neighborhood much), but throughout the past year I’ve met newly arrived ex-New Yorkers all over the north side–applying for work, and sometimes getting it; splitting checks at restaurants and bars; lost on the subway, and on the el; weaving around the strollers on Belmont Avenue, wearing their Mets caps and Betsey Johnson originals. Why are they here? What do they want?
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The Niceness Factor: A couple of months ago a clerk at a bookstore was explaining his reasons for moving here from New York when he was cut off in midsentence by a customer who said he’d also just moved here from New York. Maybe living here will teach him to be more polite. Politeness isn’t everything, though. Chicagoans pretend that they’re nice people who, like Norman Bates, wouldn’t harm a fly. Don’t believe it. Behind the pleasant visage of the person who asks you to “have a nice day” is a tough, resourceful enemy. Keep your sarcastic impulses in check. Just because the big guy sitting on the bar stool next to you says “How are ya?” in a high, squeaky voice, it doesn’t make him any less dangerous than his equivalent in New York. Maybe even more.
Dialect: Chicagoans will claim that they have no accent. They’ll tell you you’re the one with the accent. This is silly, of course, but you can find middle ground. You don’t have to start saying “pop” instead of “soda” or “jagoff” for “jerkoff.” If someone asks “Can I help you?” that means “Whattaya want?” People here don’t say “fuck” anywhere near as much as they do in the east (David Mamet notwithstanding). One to a sentence, please. You don’t have to lose your identity to fit in, just calm down and get comfortable, which leads us to the next category, a real plus for ex-New Yorkers:
Sex: According to a recent survey, Chicagoans tend to couple more than people in any other large American city. (Perhaps this is due to living on the prairie. Partner will not roll away.) Gay or straight, if you moved here single, you probably won’t stay single for long. Women here are not as afraid as they are in New York; men are just as devious and conniving but not anywhere near as neurotic. Everyone is friendlier. Safer sex is likelier here, in more ways than one.
Miscellaneous Dos and Don’ts: Don’t call people from Wisconsin “cheeseheads” until you’ve been here for at least ten years. Do continue to make jokes about New Jersey, for this is a national pastime. Don’t name-drop unless it’s something pretty good. Like, nobody wants to hear that you used to live in the same apartment building as the Fonz. If you lived in the same apartment with the Fonz, you might get an audience. When job hunting, don’t tell interviewers where you come from; they’ll think you couldn’t make it there, so you can’t make it anywhere. Don’t ever use the phrases “Second City envy” or “world-class city,” not even on the phone. You can put down Harry Caray as much as you like, but don’t say bad things about any Chicago teams until people stop saying you have an accent. Everybody here is bigger than you, so don’t be a jerkoff. Or jagoff. In a couple of years you’ll start to feel almost at home.
