What can you tell us about vacuum cleaner wounds to the penis? This malady apparently afflicts an informational underclass who think that a vacuum cleaner can simulate fellatio. –Inquiring Mind, Chicago
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“Case 2–A 65-year-old railway signalman was in his signal box when he bent down to pick up his tools and ‘caught his penis in a Hoover Dustette, which happened to be switched on.’ He suffered extensive lacerations to the glans.
“Case 3–A 49-year-old man was vacuuming his friend’s staircase in a loose-fitting dressing gown, when, intending to switch the machine off, he leaned across to reach the plug; ‘at that moment his dressing gown became undone and his penis was sucked into the vacuum cleaner.’”
To be fair, there’s a germ of truth to the legend. While a hoop/mud snake cannot sting with its tail, it does have a hard spine back there that can draw blood when thrashed vigorously. What’s more, the snake tends to form itself into a flat, hooplike circle when relaxed. If you were an impressionable six-year-old prowling through the swamps and you came across such an apparition, you might easily imagine it was about to hoist itself to the vertical and roll after you. The only problem is, the former six-year-old who became your girlfriend’s mother still believes it.
