My friend, whose name is Jim too, and I have been arguing about how Elvis died (although we do agree that the King has in fact died). I maintain the royal death occurred while Elvis was sitting on the porcelain throne with a stroke book in one hand and his scepter in the other. Jim says otherwise. So I have three questions: (1) What was the King doing when he died? (2) If I had included Jim’s full name and noted that he doesn’t want his full name published in this letter, would you be more or less likely to publish his full name? (3) Is it true Elvis died for our sins? –Jim K., Havre de Grace, Maryland
Best of Chicago voting is live now. Vote for your favorites »
(3) What makes you think you’ve committed sins worth dying for? (2) Only if he says something really stupid and I want to maximize his embarrassment. Of the two of you, I’d say Jim II has less to worry about. (1) Have you no respect for departed royalty? It’s true Elvis was in the bathroom at Graceland when he died. But so far as can be determined, he was neither waxing his wick nor, as an alternative legend has it, “straining stool.” On the contrary, he was sitting in a chair next to the pot reading a book about, believe it or not, the Shroud of Turin. Elvis’s bathroom doubled as a dressing room and he camped out there whenever the pressure of being a living god became too intense.
OK, so it’s not Shakespeare. And maybe he was pumped full of drugs while he read it. (Goldman has since convinced himself, on scant evidence, that Elvis committed suicide by intentional overdose.) Still, in post-Gutenberg America, anybody whose idea of fun is to shoot out TV sets and curl up with a good book can’t be all bad.
The acid test of any theory, of course, is in predicting the future. To put it on the line: neither Paul (Tsongas) nor Bill (Clinton) nor Tom (Harkin) nor Jerry (Brown) nor Dick (Gephardt) nor, for that matter, Pat (Buchanan) has a prayer of replacing George. Mario (Cuomo) or Jesse (Jackson) could, but they may want to wait until 1996, when the Republicans will be stuck with Dan (Quayle), Jack (Kemp), or Dick (Cheney). Pierre duPont would be their only hope, unless he pursues the chimera of populism by insisting on being called Pete. –Juozas Algimantas Kazlas (a common name, but only in Lithuania), New York
