What’s the lowdown on the secret Mormon underwear? Also, can they baptize people posthumously? Do they baptize babies with blood? Is there a secret room in the Mormon Tabernacle in Salt Lake where they can convert anyone to Mormonism from afar without their knowledge or consent? I fear my wayward grandkids may turn me into Orrin Hatch. –W.J.S., Evanston
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What timing–the Straight Dope just began running in Utah, giving me the rare opportunity to PO an entire state. And people wonder why I love this job. Mormonism strikes most Gentiles (i.e., non-Mormons) as a little strange, mainly because it is a little strange. But let’s not get nutsy about this–they don’t baptize babies in blood. On the other hand, secret underwear is definitely part of the picture. That’s right: holy underwear. Another interesting fact is that the angel who appeared to Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism, went by the name of Moroni. It probably occurs to you that there is an incredibly witty way to pronounce this. Well, I didn’t pronounce it that way. I am mature. I pronounced it as in “I gotta girl named Bony Maroney / She’s as skinny as a stick of macaroni.” But it turns out that isn’t right either. It’s really more-oh-NIGH, which is a lot more dignified. Much of Mormonism lends itself to this kind of comical misinterpretation. Joseph Smith could have used a good PR consultant.
About those levels. The Mormons have three levels of heaven: telestial, terrestrial, and celestial, just like Sears has good, better, best. Telestial heaven is where you go if you’re “carnal, sensual, and devilish.” A lot of people may be tempted to stop right there. But suppose you’re a little more ambitious. If you live your life as a decent non-Mormon, you may aspire to terrestrial heaven. You can’t get into celestial heaven, though, unless you join the Mormons. Celestial heaven is best of all because it enables you to “progress toward godhood.”
