Enclosed for your enjoyment is a bottle of “Doctor Bronner’s 18-in-1 Pure Castile Soap,” which you can get at any health food store. The soap is great, but you’ll note the label is crammed with weird religious ravings. What’s the poop, Scoop? Is Doctor B. really a “master chemist and Essene rabbi”? What’s the story behind his company, All-One-God-Faith, Inc.? And–this one is urgent, Cece–how about the unusual birth control method Dr. B. recommends? Should I throw out my diaphragm and stock up on lemons and Vaseline? –Sourpuss, Chicago
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Not unless you like unusually viscous lemonade. As you can probably tell from the copy (can you imagine a slogan like, “Eternal Father, Eternal One! Exceptions eternally? Absolute none!” on the side of a Tide box?), “Dr.” Emanuel H. Bronner is inhabiting a different plane of being from the rest of us. So don’t take anything he says too literally.
Talking to the doc on the phone is the audio equivalent of reading one of his labels. He can be fairly linear for short stretches, but eventually he always veers off into a bizarre rap about the Essene rabbis and whatnot, delivered in a nutty-professor German accent. Believe me, it’s an experience.
